


Gravity

by wedjateye



Category: Firefly
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-01
Updated: 2010-08-01
Packaged: 2017-10-10 21:44:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/104627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wedjateye/pseuds/wedjateye
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jayne has a not so small problem he needs Simon's help with. This story was based on an anectdote I related to Kispexi2. She's the one who knocked on my empty skull and suggested I fic it. She also provided a fast, excellent beta. Please be aware that whilst this is not at all explicit sexually, if you are SQUEAMISH about needles, you may wish to avoid it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gravity

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
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Mandarin translations courtesy of the Firefly Chinese Pinyinary.

Fengle – crazy  
Chufei wo si le – over my dead body  
Mei-mei – little sister  
Dong ma – understand  
Shuai – handsome, dashing  
Tama de – F*** me blind

  
***

 

** GRAVITY **

"Doc?"

Simon double-takes before he spots Jayne hovering just outside the infirmary, looking as  
if he'd rather be anywhere else. He has a hangdog slump to his shoulders, arms hanging  
down, fingers nervously fiddling with that ridiculous hat his mother sent him a couple of  
months back.

"Something I can do for you?" Simon leans back on his stool, intrigued. This promises to  
be interesting enough to break his monotonous routine.

Jayne glances around furtively before sidling to a spot just inside the room.

"Gotta problem." Simon can't be certain but it looks as if Jayne is actually _blushing_.

"Which is?" Simon prompts. Jayne darts glances out into the corridor, hands practically  
wringing the fuzzy orange material.

Simon gets up and shuts the door, sparing Jayne one single assessing glance before  
returning to his stool. Definitely flushed. Sweating even.

"I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong." Simon points out gently after a few  
tense moments.

Jayne jerks then turns to lock the door. Keeping his back to Simon, he crabs around the  
room, closing the blinds. His movements are stiff and awkward.

"Have you pulled a muscle?" Simon hazards.

Jayne whirls towards him, a tiny noise, almost a whimper, escaping him. His eyes are  
wide and his breath rasping.

"Jayne, whatever it is, I'm your doctor. You can tell me. I'd be very surprised if it's  
something I haven't dealt with before." Simon keeps his voice as soothing as he can;  
Jayne looks as if he might have a full blown panic attack at any moment. Being locked in  
the infirmary with 200 pounds of terrified mercenary is not Simon's idea of fun.

"You won't tell no-one?" Jayne eyes him fiercely.

"Not a soul." Simon assures him.

Jayne visibly relaxes, slowing his breathing and loosening his death-grip on his treasured  
hat. One of the pom-poms is now dangling by a thread.

"You know how we had shore leave today?"

"Uh huh."

"Well I was in the mood for a bit o'trim. Hell, I'm always in the mood for - "

"And?" Simon attempts to steer Jayne back on track.

"And I got some." Jayne looks at him as if he is explaining the obvious to the dimwitted.

"Your problem Jayne?"

"Well, after, I was still, you know, and she said it was included… you know, the blo-"

"I get the picture Jayne." Simon can feel a pain starting at the back of his neck, right  
where the muscles join the skull.

"Well, here's the thing see, after that, I was still… and I had the coin, so she gets her  
friend," Simon finds his attention drifting into a pleasant fantasy about an ejector device,  
but Jayne drones on regardless, "and after that, they sorta took it as a professional insult  
and they wouldn't stop until I threatened to do them bodily harm."

That penetrates Simon's mind. "You did _what_? Jayne, what did you do to them?"

"Nothing!" Jayne roars angrily. "I ain't never hit no woman and I'm not gonna start  
now!"

Simon glares hard and Jayne has the good sense to look embarrassed. "I forgot about  
your sister… but she was fengle that time, I was just protectin' myself. And that's what it  
woulda been today, not that I did nothin'. Don't look at me like that, they were _hurtin'_  
me!"

"How were they hurting you Jayne?" the headache has settled in now, a tight band across  
the back of Simon's head.

Jayne looks really confused, twisting his hat again before answering slowly. "Well,  
mebbe it weren't them after all, 'cause I'm still, you know, and it's hurtin' real bad."

"What's hurting?" Simon asks, wondering how soon he can take some pain tablets.

Jayne is wearing the 'you idiot' look again but he sounds genuinely hurt when he asks  
"Ain't you been listenin' to me Doc?"

Simon feels his conscience prick uncomfortably. "I've been trying to Jayne but you are  
obviously very worried and I couldn't quite follow everything you said." But please,  
please spare me further recitations about your prowess. "Why don't you try telling me in  
one sentence what the problem is?"

"I still gotta hard-on and it hurts like hell." Jayne looks at him expectantly.

"Ahh." Simon scrabbles for something, anything to say. Finally he falls back on the  
basics – gather more information. "So how long have you had this… erection now?"  
Priapism. The word pops out of the dim recesses of Simon's mind.

Jayne creases his forehead. "Six hours."

"And you didn't take anything to, uhh, aid your performance?"

"Huh?" Jayne squints at him.

"Did you take any drugs to keep it up longer?" Simon  has found his professional  
detachment again. His voice is smooth, no awkwardness about asking these questions or  
modifying his vocabulary

"I don't need no shit like that." Jayne snorts.

"Let's get you up on the bed."

Jayne starts and shuffles back against the infirmary bench. He is gripping the hat harder  
again and Simon realises he is holding it in position over his groin, _shielding_ himself.

"What for?" Jayne strangles the words.

"I need to have a look Jayne. I can't help you otherwise."

"Chufei wo si le! Can't you just give me a tablet or something?"

"There are no tablets for this Jayne." Simon explains patiently.

"So you seen this before? You know how to fix it?" Jayne still looks like he might bolt  
right through the wall any second.

"Of course I have Jayne." Simon pours total confidence into his voice, stepping to the  
side and making a small gesture towards the medbed. And it isn't really a lie. He has seen  
this before. Once. As a medical student. It's not all that common. Why else did every  
student in the hospital come flocking to the hapless patient's bedside once word got out?  
All of them straining in a hushed circle to watch the Urologist strut her stuff. Some of  
them stifling embarrassed laughter as they crowded around the offending organ - until the  
icy glare of the treating doctor reminded them that there was an actual, suffering, patient  
present as well.

Jayne doesn't need to know any of that. The old medical student dictum will still serve  
Simon well – "See one, do one, teach one." He is at step one. After step two, he'll be an  
expert.

Jayne reluctantly climbs onto the bed and Simon covers the lower half of his body with a  
sheet to try to set him more at ease. "Why don't you get your clothes out of the way?" He  
suggests, certain that neither of them wants Simon to take care of that part of the  
procedure. Simon moves away, deliberately turning his back, and pulls on some gloves.

When Jayne stops rustling under the sheet, Simon draws it up from below, leaving it  
bunched up on Jayne's belly. Not quite a screen but hopefully something to help Jayne  
feel less exposed. As if anyone could _not_ feel exposed in this situation.

Simon has seen a lot of naked men as a doctor. Treated various conditions involving  
genitals… but looking down, he realises that usually those sorts of situations are  
guaranteed to cause a certain… shrinkage. Jayne _looks_ embarrassed; eyes fixed firmly  
on the ceiling, a dull flush across his face, knuckles clenched whitely by his sides. But his  
penis doesn't look at all shy right now. Fully engorged, an unhealthy dark purple colour,  
it angles flush against Jayne's belly. Tentatively Simon prods the shaft. Jayne audibly  
clenches his teeth but otherwise doesn't react. Rock hard. Six hours. Simon can't imagine  
the pain.

"Jayne, your erection hasn't gone down because the blood is trapped inside your penis. I  
need to treat this by releasing the blood."

"How're you going to do that?" Jayne grits the words out.

Simon isn't sure Jayne needs all the details. "I'll use anaesthetic, don't worry." He  finds  
what he needs quickly. Jayne looks at him quizzically as Simon sprays the numbing agent  
liberally.

"No ruttin' way!" Jayne bolts upright on the bed as he catches sight of the needle and  
syringe. "You're not coming near me with that."

"It's the only way. Do you want to get rid of the pain or not?"

"Nuh uh, not if there's needles involved."

"Don't be a baby about this Jayne, I've used plenty of anaesthetic." Simon reasons.

"That thing is _huge_." Jayne yelps.

"It's not _that_ big." Simon closes his eyes for a moment. He doesn't really believe  
Mal's theory that River is a reader, but just on the off chance, he hopes fervently she  
never, ever refers to this conversation. After a deep breath Simon changes tack.

"If we don't treat this Jayne, you'll become impotent."

"Important?" Jayne is craning his head around to keep track of the needle in Simon's  
hand.

"Impotent." Simon repeats. "You won't be able to get it up any more. The damage will  
be too much."

"Now I know you're crazy Doc. I ain't never had that trouble." Jayne snarls as he starts  
to swing his legs off the table.

Simon breathes deeply once more. "If you don't deal with this Jayne _it can fall off_."

Jayne freezes and looks at Simon out of the corner of his eye. "Off?" His voice has  
squeaked into a higher register and Simon knows he has his full attention.

"Right. Off." Simon crosses his arms and holds Jayne's frightened gaze calmly.

Jayne rubs a hand over his face and mutters to himself before peering through his fingers  
at the resolute look on Simon's face. He lies down again and wordlessly bites down on  
one fist. Simon moves quickly, before Jayne can start hyperventilating, and inserts the  
needle into the corpus cavernosum, fighting the resistance against the plunger as dark,  
sludgy blood slowly wells up in the barrel of the syringe. Simon disconnects to expel the  
blood once capacity is reached, leaving the needle in place. Second time around the  
resistance is much less, the blood fresher and, yes, there is a definite… softening.  
Relieved Simon withdraws the needle.

"How is that now Jayne?"

Jayne looks startled but recovers quickly to, well, grope himself. Simon averts his eyes.

"Oh yeah Doc, that feels much better. Hey, that wasn't so bad after all! I mean, for a  
needle in the dick… Thanks Doc."

Simon doesn't realise Jayne has managed to get his clothing done up until he is already  
standing and taking a stride towards the door.

"Not so fast!" He admonishes.

"Oh, come on Doc, I gotta bottle of hooch says I can forget this ever happened. We don't  
gotta hold hands or nothin' over it do we?"

"I need to take a blood test Jayne, to see if there is any particular cause."

"Ain't you got plenty o' blood right there? You ain't got some other kink I don't know  
about have you?" Jayne looks longingly at the door.

"Blood that has been circulating around your body in the normal way Jayne." And then I  
can take the strongest pain tablets I have, to hell with any other medical emergencies  
tonight, and hope I can sleep without dreaming of a single blessed thing.

 

  
***

 

  
Twelve hours later Simon stumbles bleary eyed towards the dining room, regretting his  
late night decision. Those tablets should be reserved for livestock. No wonder he has  
previously used them only for Jayne. Simon feels as if his head were swathed in cotton  
wool then hit with a wrench. Good thing everyone else will have finished eating  
breakfast; Simon  wants privacy so he can drown in a coffee pot until he feels human  
again.

Deserted. Good. Except for Jayne that is. Excellent. Jayne curled around his mug, raising  
bloodshot eyes in a pale, heavily stubbled face to grunt unintelligibly. Wonderful. Jayne  
probably consumed the monthly alcohol intake of a small moon and he was still up  
before Simon. At least he has made coffee.

Simon grabs his own restorative and sits as far from Jayne as possible. A palpable silence  
falls. Broken by jaunty whistling. The Captain. Perfect. Simon rests his head on the table.  
Maybe if he pretends to be asleep this day will just go away.

"Jayne, Simon." Slight surprise in Mal's voice.

Two acknowledging grunts.

"Missed out on a bit of beauty sleep did you?" Teasing with an undercurrent. Annoyance  
probably. Better than icy fury at the evidence of blatant sloth.

Silence returns. Ominous now. Simon prises one eye open. Mal is staring at Jayne. A  
cold, hard look on his face. Maybe the fury is just buried under the surface. After a  
lengthy pause Mal glances at Simon and starts when he sees he is being observed.

"Make sure you both get something useful done today." Mal growls striding rapidly from  
the room.

 

  
***

 

  
It's amazing how elusive a six foot four, two hundred pound mercenary can be when he  
sets his mind to it. Simon has been trying to get Jayne alone for three days and is sick of  
the sight of his back disappearing in the distance. He can't run now though. He has a   
crate in his arms and if Simon times this just right there will be no-one within earshot.

"Jayne." Simon steps directly into his path.

"Out of my way Doc, this here cargo is ruttin' heavy."

"Then listen up and I'll be gone before you know it." Simon counters.

"I'll drop it on your gorram feet." Jayne threatens, glancing nervously about him. River is  
balancing up on the catwalk, too far away to overhear. Mal and Zoe are still outside.

"Your tests were normal Jayne. There is no obvious reason why it happened. But it could  
happen again - " Jayne has managed to shoulder him aside in the narrow space, pushing  
past with a dismissive grunt. "Don't leave it so long if there is a next time Jayne." Simon  
calls after him, rubbing his arm where the corner of the crate jostled him. That's going to  
leave a bruise.

Simon looks up at River. He projects his voice loudly, enunciating clearly. "Watch out up  
there. If you're not careful you could _fall right off_."

Jayne drops his load haphazardly and swears loudly. Simon smirks and can't quite  
suppress his grin when he turns to find Zoe standing there with one brow arched  
expressively.

 

***

 

"Book, that was the best meal since… well, ever." Simon stretches back in his chair  
feeling uncommonly contented.

"Better than those fancy core meals?" Kaylee teases fondly.

"Much better. The food here remembers the earth and the rain." River trills.

"They did have amazingly fresh produce at the markets today." Book affirms, smiling  
across at River.

"Oh no you don't!" Mal puts a hand on Book's shoulder as he rises to begin clearing the  
table. "After making such a fine meal you get to relax. We'll take care of this. Enjoy the  
conversation." Mal bestows one of his rare open smiles at everyone and Simon feels  
himself glowing in response.

Life is pretty good right this minute. No gunshot wounds or injuries for over a week.  
River lucid more often than not. Mal no longer giving Simon funny looks as if he might  
join Jayne in the alcoholic stakes. Jayne himself off ship somewhere so Simon doesn't  
even have to pretend not to notice Jayne's awkwardness around him.

Wash soon has them in stitches with the story of his first day of flight school. Even the  
sight of Inara and Mal's heads close together as they wash and dry can't ruin Simon's  
mood.

River nudges Simon in the ribs after a while. "Flag," she whispers.

"Hmm?" Simon can't work out what she means but he is pretty wrapped up in Book's  
answering anecdote about the time the adjacent convent was flooded and a dozen  
bedraggled nuns descended on their doorstep.

"Medicine, in the infirmary." River persists after a minute or so.

"It's not time yet River." Simon glances at her. She is looking out the door, down the  
corridor and Simon cranes to see. Nothing… a shadow. A flick of orange wool. Jayne.

Simon snaps his eyes back to River who smiles at him innocently. "Thanks for reminding  
me Mei-mei," he says slowly "I have to make up a fresh batch, don't I?"

"Just a little prick." River nods as if her words are confirmation.

"Better go do that then." Simon makes his excuses and leaves.

 

***

 

Jayne is waiting for him in the infirmary, clutching his hat, eyes squeezed closed in a  
grimace. But this time he is leaning against the medbed, looking as if he needs the  
support to stay upright.

"Have you been drinking Jayne?" Simon asks warily, locking the door and trying to work  
out what has changed.

"Nope. Thought if I took some painkillers it might just go away and I wouldn't have to  
bother you none. Didn't work." His words are just barely slurred.

Simon looks around, seeing the half open drawers and the bottle of pills on the counter.  
There really should be a minimum IQ requirement for breathing.

"How many did you take?" He asks, perusing the bottle.

"Four."

That's two too many but for Jayne's liver they probably count as a minor appetiser only.

"Did you… get sexed again?"

"Yep."

"How long Jayne?"

"Seven hours. Hurts worse."

Simon hisses in exasperation. "How many times do I have to spell this out for you? _It  
can fall right off_. Wait this long again and I might just decide to castrate you to save us  
all this trouble."

Jayne's eyes snap open.

"Just get on the bed." Simon orders.

 Jayne hesitates.

"I didn't mean that last bit. I won't do anything to harm you." Simon adds finally and  
Jayne succumbs, wincing as he gets in position, undoing his clothes without waiting for  
the sheet or further instructions.

It doesn't take long now that Simon is more familiar with the procedure. He drains the  
opposite corpus cavernosum, leaving Jayne with tiny twin scars, one on each side of his  
penis.

"Jayne -" Simon begins as Jayne shuffles towards the door.

"I know Doc – fall right off. I won't forget." Jayne looks sheepish.

"Jayne I want you to lay off the sex for a bit."

"What!" Jayne is horrified. "I can't do that Doc,  s'unnatural."

"Just until I can do some more research." Simon says reasonably.

"Well I ain't stoppin' everything. I don't toss my rocks regular like I'll explode."

Simon nods and holds a hand up to halt Jayne once more; "And don't drink any alcohol  
tonight, not after taking those pills. Dong ma?"

Jayne swears fervently as he leaves.

 

***

 

Kaylee pops her head around the infirmary door. "Simon? You got a minute?"

"Of course Kaylee." Simon sets aside his notes about River, noting that Kaylee has no  
obvious injuries. He feels himself beginning to tense and forces his shoulders to relax.  
Kaylee hasn't really flirted with him or dropped hints about wanting a relationship for  
weeks. She is his best friend on Serenity. Not that he deserves her, when he hasn't been  
able to be honest with her…

"Has Jayne got the clap?"

"What??" Simon grabs his stool with both hands, certain it just wobbled precariously.

"I know you ain't supposed to give out people's information an' all. But sometimes  
there's one of them conflict of interest things." Kaylee looks at him with wide eyed  
innocence.

"What are you talking about Kaylee?"

"Well I'm damn sure that he's been seeing you about something sex-related. And I know  
he don't wanna have sex with you, even if you do look at his muscles from time to time."

"Kaylee!" Simon's voice comes out in an undignified squeak and he is too busy breathing  
for a moment to even think about continuing his sentence. "Kaylee, do you have a point  
in there somewhere?" Voice still too high but at least not cracking.

"I'm just working out my options before I explode." Kaylee is almost twinkling at his  
discomfiture and Simon thinks that at any moment River will come bounding in yelling  
'April fool!'. Except that it's October.

Kaylee begins again, oblivious to the fact that Simon's brain is spinning slowly in the  
vicinity of the ceiling. "Wash and Zoe are married, Book's a bit old and I don't think I  
could convince him, River's too young and you'd probably kill me, Nara's too busy with  
her clients, or too something anyway, you ain't interested, the Cap'n don't look at me the  
way he looks at you…"

Simon feels his mind thud back into his skull, conscious thought reeling but recovering  
fast. "The Captain….What did you say? I mean, how do you know I'm not interest…."  
Not fast enough obviously.

Kaylee gives him a pitying look. "Simon, it's nothing to be ashamed of. I see how you  
look at him. You sure ain't never looked at me that way."

Simon clears his throat, embarrassment and regret warring with a burning need to know.  
"The Captain isn't sly though, is he?" Too late he recognises he has just verified Kaylee's  
assumptions.

"Well, I heard him say once that he leans towards women." Kaylee is looking at him hard  
but Simon can't hide his disappointment; it just hurts too much. He scrubs a hand over  
his face, trying to will it back into a calm mask.

"Oh, Simon." Kaylee sighs, her face kind, voice holding a trace of sadness. "We're on a  
ship you idiot. We make our own gravity." She takes in Simon's utter incomprehension,  
puts  a hand on his shoulder and squeezes gently. "He _leans_ Simon. When you came on  
board he began to _sway_. He acts pretty cool and shuts us all out but you're so shuai, if  
you smile at him the right way, I'm bettin' he'll just fall altogether."

Simon blinks away the sudden sting in his eyes and feels a smile bloom across his face.

"Yeah, that oughta do it." Kaylee muses before grinning at him in return. "Now, about  
Jayne?"

Simon sobers rapidly. Kaylee and Jayne? Who'd have thought it. He shudders a little,  
looking at Kaylee's expectant face. What the hell, he has to tell her something. "You do  
know the, umm, 'clap' is treatable don't you Kaylee?"

"Well, of course!" Kaylee looks really pissed now. "But if he was taking care of himself  
he wouldn't have got the clap in the first place!"

Simon sighs, feeling another tenuous link to his former life, his professional standards,  
fraying irrevocably.

Kaylee continues to rant; "I didn't think he was such a-"

"He doesn't have the clap Kaylee."

"Oh." She looks deflated.

"I'm not telling you anything else. You'll have to pester Jayne for more information."  
Simon uncomfortably recalls how effectively Kaylee got him to spill his closely kept  
secrets. "Though… not too much, ok?"

"Sure Simon, I'll be gentle." Kaylee beams at him, pecks him on the cheek and  
practically skips out of the room.

 

***

 

Simon rubs his temples as he reads the information once more. He wishes there were an  
easier solution, but at least Jayne will be able to take care of his… not so little problem  
himself. Once Simon teaches him how to administer the injections.

A bit more searching on the cortex has him whistling at the price. The Captain is never  
going to let that slide by without questions. Not when Simon will have to order it  
specially. Frowning, Simon pulls his list towards him and adds the medication to the  
bottom, scrawling a deliberately vague note regarding its importance.

"Something wrong Doc?" Mal materialises at his elbow making Simon jump. He bites  
back his sarcastic retort, telling himself that now is as good a time as any.

"Not at all Captain," Simon turns on his stool to beam directly at Mal, "in fact your  
timing is perfect."

"It is?" Mal sounds flustered, stepping back and clearing his throat before asking; "Why  
would that be?"

"I have those inventories you requested." Simon holds them out, watching as Mal's eyes  
widen a fraction when Simon's fingers brush against his as Mal takes the proffered paper.

"Good. I'll, uhh, check them later."

The look Mal throws back over his shoulder as he exits is mildly dazed.

 

***

 

Jayne doesn't take kindly to Simon's solution. "In the John Thomas?? You want me  
to…" his voice trails off then he looks as if a lightbulb has gone on. "If there's a drug that  
works I could just take it as a tablet then, right?"

"No Jayne, it doesn't work that way. It acts on the local blood vessels – you need to get a  
high dose into the area where the problem is."

"I'll just take a bigger dose then." Jayne sounds relieved.

"Jayne it would affect every blood vessel in your body. Your blood pressure would go  
through the roof."

"Huh?"

"You'd _die_."

"Well that's better than havin' to stick a prick into my dick!" Jayne roars obstinately.

"It's just a small needle Jayne. Not as big as the ones I had to use. You can carry it  
around with you and have it… to hand whenever necessary. I'll teach you how to do it."

"Never gonna happen." Jayne promises almost running from the room.

 

***

 

Simon mixes up River's medication with hands that feel shaky, although there is no  
visible tremor. He feels… lightheaded. He never would have imagined how well things  
could go. Never thought to have this crazy, happy feeling fluttering inside his belly. Like  
a teenager on their first date. Even if said first date doesn't actually involve going  
anywhere off ship. Mal's bunk seems like an exotic enough destination. And the mind-  
blowing make-out session they shared in the cargo bay just before dinner… Simon  
suspects if Mal wasn't spooked by some noise from the stairway, things would have got a  
lot more interesting.

"Doc?"

Simon spins around and can't stifle a groan when he sees Jayne with that damnably ugly  
orange _monstrosity_, now so frayed it fails to conceal the telltale bulge. Simon really  
didn't want to become _this_ much of an expert.

"What happened Jayne? We've been stuck on board for days? What did you do."

A dull red flush rises from Jayne's neck to his face and Simon is suddenly struck with an  
uncomfortable thought. Not Kaylee already – it's only been a couple of days. But then, a  
lot can happen in a surprisingly short time.

"Should I be asking 'Who did you do?'" Simon says ruefully.

Jayne mumbles barely coherent denials and Simon sighs as he reaches past him to shut  
the door. "Never mind Jayne, it's none of my business. Come on, you know the drill."

If Simon hurries he can get this done, dose River and barely be late for his assignation.  
Jayne squirms unexpectedly as the needle goes in and Simon instinctively holds him a  
little more firmly in place.

"Sorry Jayne, mustn't have given the anaesthetic long enough to work."

"No problem." Jayne replies in a strangled voice.

Fresh blood, quick prod – hmm, still granite firm.

"Jayne, that hasn't quite done the trick, I'm going to have to drain the other side as well."

"Uh huh."

Needle in, fresh blood. Still a rock. What in the 'verse? Feeling perplexed, Simon glances  
at Jayne's face; freezes as a horrific thought suddenly jumps up and down in his mind.  
No. No way! No-one could find this… it just isn't possible… Simon forces himself to  
look at his hand gripping Jayne's penis lightly, then looks back at the expression on  
Jayne's face. The room trembles slightly as Simon realises he is contributing to Jayne's  
problem.

"Tama de!" Mal's shocked voice breaks the spell and Simon jumps backwards, hand  
burning as if scalded. Jayne flings his hat over his groin, one of the pom-poms flying off  
to land unnoticed at Mal's feet.

"Mal!" Simon's mouth works noiselessly as he tries to think of something to say. A  
ghastly silence reigns as Simon slowly remembers he has done nothing wrong. Not a  
thing. He finally pulls himself together and reaches for a sheet from the bench, draping it  
across Jayne's middle.

"I'm sorry Jayne, I thought the door was locked." Voice calm, professional. "Captain,  
I'm with a patient just at the moment, if you would kindly wait… elsewhere, I'll be with  
you as soon as I'm done."

Mal splutters then snaps his jaw shut. He looks at the syringe, just visible, poking out  
from under the sheet, regards the gloves on Simon's hands then reaches a decision. "I'll  
look forward to your explanation then Doctor." Mal glares sternly at Jayne, turns stiffly  
on his heel and leaves.

"Doc? I think it's all taken care of now." Jayne sounds truly shaken.

"Good." Simon hesitates; "Jayne, I need to tell the Captain something about what he just  
saw."

"That's fine with me!" Jayne blusters, "you set him straight. I ain't dumb enough to come  
between Mal and his boyfriend."

"His what?" Simon puts two and two together. "Jayne, that was you on the stairs before,  
wasn't it."

Jayne's face twists uncomfortably. "Hell, Doc, I ain't into that kinda thing, not that I got  
nothin' against it. I reckon it's your fault for tellin' me I can't get none for myself. How  
was I supposed to know that just watchin' a bit would do this to me? Gorramit, I don't  
even like kissin'!"

Simon wishes Serenity were equipped with scalding hot showers. He has never felt such  
a strong need to scrub himself clean.

"Jayne, as soon as we have those injections you can have sex all you want and you'll  
never have to come here for this again."

"I can't do it Doc! I'm scared o' needles." Jayne whines.

"Well you'll just have to find someone who can then and that won't be me!" Simon  
replies determinedly.

 

***

 

River is sitting in the lounge room, playing jacks with Kaylee when Simon arrives with  
her medicine.

"All better now?" She asks sweetly as Simon swabs her arm

"Hardly." Simon snorts distractedly.

"Right under your nose." River murmurs.

"Hey Simon, you ain't seen Jayne have you?" Kaylee asks, "only he wasn't at dinner  
again and I was lookin' for him for that little project I mentioned."

Simon stares right through her for a moment. "Kaylee," he enquires, as if in a dream,  
"how are you with needles?"

River beams.

 

***

 

Simon is sick of trying to explain this. If he has to spend one more minute of his life  
thinking about  Jayne's dick it will be too much. The fact that Mal checked out the  
unusual inventory request on the cortex hasn't helped. Though considering his  
misinterpretation of its use, Simon is very surprised either he or Jayne survived the scene  
in the infirmary earlier.

"If you don't want him popping in to see me in the infirmary every time he has a raging  
libido, it's the only way!"

"His problem, let him pay for it."

"You didn't make Kaylee pay for her antibiotics when she got pneumonia. You know I  
can give you a dozen other examples." Simon consciously relaxes his shoulders and  
smiles. "Mal, don't we have better things to do than argue?"

Mal looks distracted for a moment then stubbornly turns his face so that Simon is in his  
peripheral vision. "Tell me again what the problem is with Jayne havin' extra stamina?"

Simon closes his eyes. Time for Captain dummy talk. "If his erection persists for too  
long, more than a couple of hours, _it can fall right off_."

Mal looks as if he has sucked hard on a lemon. "Off?"

"Right. Off." Simon replies, knowing he has won this argument. He doesn't feel the  
slightest twinge of conscience about stretching the truth. Sometimes a good doctor will  
do that. Knowing how to put someone out of their misery is a useful skill too.

Mal surfaces from the kiss a while later to ask suspiciously, "doesn't Jayne have a needle  
phobia?"

"All under control," Simon answers, maneuvering them towards the bed, "did I ever tell  
you just how useful our mechanic is?"

Mal's startled reply is swiftly silenced.


End file.
